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Where the 15 Minutes of Fame Never End
Let me tell you about the dream I had last night. First off, as most of us are aware, the future of the NFL’s labor situation is unclear.
The threat of a lockout looms over next season, and leaguewide sources say the Players’ Association and owners are far apart in negotiations. We’re investigative journalists here at Obscure Athletes, which is why we’re following Roger Goodell on Twitter. Shit, that’s just like being at the bargaining table! Although, after a bit of searching, I couldn’t find a DeMaurice Smith Twitter account. C’mon DeMo, get with the program, it’s 2010. How can you be the head of the NFLPA and not even have a Twitter account? That just says to me that the man isn’t a professional. But I digress.
The point is, I had a dream last night. One of the key sticking points in these ongoing negotiations is the treatment of former players–that is, their pension, health insurance, ya know, old people shit. In my dream, I was on a sub way train in Boston, headed toward Fenway Park, and I saw a well-dressed Roger Goodell sitting across from me on a more or less empty train. I looked over and said “You’re Roger Goodell.” He made a shushing motion at me, and nodded yes, almost cracking a smile. I lowered my voice, and nearly whispering, said “Dude, you’re rich, why would you use public transportation?” to which he simply responded “I dunno, I guess I just like the way the light changes so abruptly when you enter and exit tunnels.” I nodded in understanding, and handed him an Obscure Athletes business card.
A few minutes later my phone went off, with a message saying that Roger Goodell is now following Obscure Athletes on Twitter. The Players’ Association, touched by what they see as an olive branch from Goodell, in supporting obscure, retired NFL players, comes back to the bargaining table with an offer that both sides are happy to agree to, and the mega happy ending ensues. Lockout prevented, and it’s all because of us. You can thank me later, when it happens, or now if ya want.
ROGER GOODELL: if you read this, you should Follow Obscure Athletes. And you should even if you’re not Roger Goodell. But especially if you are. Glad we could solve your labor issue. We’re just your friendly neighborhood Spider Ma- Obscure Athletes.