Obscure Athletes

Where the 15 Minutes of Fame Never End

Steve Johnson and Kyle Brotzman have a Rough Go of It; I Have a Hearty Laugh

It’s Monday, we’re back to work and school and whatever else it is we do when we’re not having fun.  I’ve been slacking over the weekend a little bit; let’s start off the work week by letting off a little steam about a couple things I watched on television over the weekend with a letter from the editor.

So, Boise State. This is how you repay me? Everyone said “Boise State doesn’t play an SEC or Pac-10 Schedule!” And I’d say “Hey! They beat Oklahoma in the big one, they win all the games on their schedule!” I was there to defend them at every turn, EVERY time

Brotzman, seen here warming up before the game, thinking "I'm feelin good today!"

someone ripped on Boise State. I once woke up in a hospital bed with three broken ribs and a catheter in me after getting into an argument over their BCS credentials. And then they go and do something like what they did on Saturday.

Here’s how ya know you just got famous–when literally overnight you can just type in the first three letters of your name into Google and it’ll finish typing your name for you. That’s what happened on Saturday when Boise State kicker Kyle Brotzman missed two field goals–one at the end of regulation for the win, one in overtime, both inside 27 yards, and the Broncos of Boise State lost their first game since president Obama’s been in office. To Nevada. Cmann, Nevada?

I’m sure Kyle Brotzman is more famous than he ever intended on being in his career at Boise State, but since everyone’s Googling  his name, I’ll mention it one more time: KYLE BROTZMAN KICKER MISSED FIELD GOALS BOISE STATE LOSES. That should cover most of the relevant keywords. Anyway, fuck Boise State. The big mean BCS wins again, just like it always does. There’s a reason for that– It’s always right. Knock the BCS all ya want, but more often than not, the two best teams are on the field for the National Championship Game. And now the discussion about those two National Championship teams now won’t have to include Boise State. They can’t beat Oregon or Auburn. They can’t even beat Nevada.

Speaking of getting screwed by missed field goals, how much of a black hole is Buffalo within the seemingly infinitely expanding universe of the NFL? And not the impressive kind that come from a supernova dying in a gloriously destructive explosion, but that which comes from a dwarf–a vacuum of nothingness born of a mini-star that never really got going, and instead lost four Super Bowls in a row. Yeah, that kind of black hole. And with a chance to win their third straight game and move to 3-8 on the season, in overtime, at home against a heavily favored Steelers team,

God seemed to like ya against the Ravens, It makes sense, GOD MUST BE A STEELERS FAN!

Ryan Fitzpatrick took the snap from the Pittsburgh 40. He threw it long for Stevie Johnson in the end zone who, wide open, dropped the would-be game winner. The Bills later punted and the Steelers eventually won on a field goal by NFL journeyman kicker Shaun Suisham–Pittsburgh’s replacement for a job previously held by Jeff Reed.

I find it somewhat off-putting when athletes thank their personal savior for their superhuman athletic ability in interviews and news conferences. But have a look at what Steve Johnson tweeted after the game (Follow us on twitter, as well as Steve Johnson)

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…
It’s like right from a joke oft-ripped off by amateur comics first done by Jeff Stilson:

I’m trying to wean myself off sports, it’s too time consuming. I don’t watch   football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I’d like to hear a player say, ‘Yeah, we were in the game, until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.’

Except God doesn’t hate the Bills. The Bills suck because of any number of reasons, reasons I don’t even have time to delve into now. (Though it would probably make a fun multi-part series…We’ll keep it in mind) It’s the least risky and most arrogant way to not say “I fucked up, it’s on me. I’m gonna work harder and make sure it doesn’t happen again” which is what he should have done. Not only does God not give a shit that he dropped the game-winning touchdown, he must have decided that he was to play in Buffalo, the NFL’s version of Hell. Go fuck yourself, Steve Johnson.

-The opinions expressed in the preceding editorial are those of Christopher Smith only, and not those of Obscure Athletes.

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