Obscure Athletes

Where the 15 Minutes of Fame Never End

Jamie. That’s enough.

So we took a few days off there, and to our eager readers out there I sincerely

"Jamie, are you coming back next year?"

apologize. And with that I’d like to take a moment to sincerely denigrate and thoroughly hate upon the Major League career of a man who’s been around far longer than I could remember, and who, in a just universe, would never, ever have a job in baseball again. What I’m trying to say is, fuck Jamie Moyer.

When Jamie Moyer was 41 and still pitching—at the time for Seattle, I distinctly remember thinking “What is Jamie Moyer still doing in baseball?” I was fourteen at the time. Year after year, there was Jamie Moyer. And after he was traded to the Phillies mid-2006 and posted another delightfully average showing in Philadelphia, I thought for sure Moyer’s day was finally over. Yet, as though from another Friday the 13th sequel, Jamie Moyer just wouldn’t die.

We’re now in December of 2010, and Moyer recently had Tommy John surgery, and is expected to miss the entire 2011 season. I thought for sure the end was finally upon Moyer, yet he’s said that he plans to attempt a return in 2012, when he’ll be a 49-year old with an 80 MPH fastball. Doctors have called the surgery a tremendous success. Are you serious?

Moyer currently sits atop the active wins list for pitchers, with 267. Whatever needs to be done to prevent him from getting to 300, should be done. To let such a mediocre pitcher get to 300 wins just because he played a thousand seasons, ruins the sanctity of the 300 win club. And if the baseball owners are going to collude to keep Barry Bonds, one of the handful of greatest players ever, out of baseball, then god damnit, let’s force this 4.24 career ERA-sporting  dickhead  the fuck out of our game. Bud Selig, come out from under your desk for once, and just ban this asshole. I’ll take back every awful thing I’ve ever said about you. Well, most of them anyway. Please?

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